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Monday, June 09, 2008/ 6:00 PM emotions i feel so bottled up right now. it is hard to keep my feeling suppressed, in check. a lot of things is going through me right now. i was wondering why am i assuming all the responsibility, taking leadership roles. going back to a few years ago, i was really really upset, on the sight that how inefficient a leader can be. shrugging away all the responsibility, shifting all of it upon someone else, not doing anything about what the role required him to do. and i began to think, instead of hoping that some miracles will happen somehow, why dun i do it myself. i can do what i want, fulfilling my own needs, and the people around me. it is a agony to wait on something. and there it goes, starting from project day, i was always the only one staying up will 3am the day before the judging, doing all the last-min stuff on improving the presentation. and in this case, y am i always the only one to feel this way, to feel that the project is very important. assuming leadership roles in class doesnt help at all too. facility secretary in sec 2 is one of the worst. in a class with so many jokers, who will never ever do any duty, it is all down to DIY. do it yourself. everyday early in the morning coming to school to clean the classroom, guessing the days that the teacher will come in and check, chasing after people everyday after school to do duty. all this time wasted, and what did i get? a big scolding by ms siew in front of the whole class. on why i do it everything by myself. FINE, if this is what i get, i will nvr ever do duty. and since thn, the sight of duty jus irks me. why dun she come and try and get those bums to clean up the classroom, it is a mission impossible. welfare secretary issint any better off too. classmates refusing to co-operate. people who only likes to talk through their mouth, i want this, i want that, in the end never come. and why the hell am i going through all this. im not like some angel guarding over them, fulfilling all their needs. in this case, people are just too used of receiving, taking everything for granted. once i decided to wash my hands off everything, everything is out of control. the amount of stress going through me. this is not schoolwork-related stress somemore. there is always this sense of responsibility that im undertaking. even at work, when the manager went round asking for people due to short-handedness, there this responsibility that i have to take. reluctantly agreed despite the busy schedule. the amount of stress is building, just due to this word 'responsibility'. and i have reached the limit now. i dun wan to carry on anymore like this. today meeting is worse off. once i did nothing, everybody did nothing. nobody understand how crucial we are at this stage. everyone is expecting that i do something. how bout when someday when im unable to do anything, what is going to happen. when im serious, people cont to joke. i seriously dun know what to do. nobody seriously understand the severity of not meeting the deadline. im on the verge of giving up. its really not easy of assuming a leadership role. everyone look up to you, and in this case it is not respecting you, but instead putting out their hand, asking of what they want. it is not easy to fulfill everyone's needs. i will search for my answer tmr, on what am i seriously going to do for my next step. i need a new direction, new motivation, to push me on. project is ongoing. work is ongoing. training is incoming. birthday is incoming. camp is incoming. chalet is incoming. i need an answer. |
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